


A Pair of Pliers

by Rainbowkitty223



Series: A Pair of Pliers [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, M/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-01 03:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11477490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbowkitty223/pseuds/Rainbowkitty223
Summary: Hinata is visiting his boyfriend Kenma in Tokyo for Winter break. And after many months of being away from each other they couldn't be happier. But problems arise with the security of their relationships and they are met with problems made by ill decisions based on jealousy and anger. Hinata's heart is breaking and Kenma just wants to mend the mistakes he created. Meanwhile Kageyama and Kuroo think this could be their chances, but can they come between them again. Love is risky game but we all play in hopes we luck out.





	1. Messages

“Kenma.”

His bright orange hair.

“Kenma.”

His beautiful, dazzling smile that lit up a room.

“Kenma.”

The way he said my name, whispering so quietly so that no one else in the world could ever hear him, a private gift for only me to know. His sweet moans shaking the walls of the bedroom as my lips attacked his neck and jaw and collarbone. The way I seemed to turn to mush as I would gaze upon him un-whirling like thread before my very eyes. I could never seem to get enough of whatever drug was laced into his skin. I could never seem to stop a hunger that welled within me at the sight of him. And I could definitely not deny the beauty of who he was and what he did. Everything, including his sometimes loud and defensive demeanor, shook and rocked me as if I was a boat in an unforgiving and orgasmic ocean. Large waves of ecstasy rolling over me, suffocating me, filling my lungs and making me weak and yet so alive with an electric passion. He was the absolute thing I lived for. So why? Why after everything I’ve felt, after everything I still feel. Why did I keeping thinking about those nightmares?

“KENMA,” Kurro shouts into my ear. Breaking me from my trance like stare. I jump and my eyes go wide, fearing that everything I had just thought had actually been said aloud. That Kurro knew. That the team knew. That the world knew. That Shoyou knew. That the thoughts running through my head weren’t normal. That these thoughts weren’t what always littered my mind and usually made me space out and forget. Usually, I imagined me pressing his back against the wall. His hands pinned above his head while my tongue found his jaw, and then his neck, and then his chest, then his naval, his stomach, and finally his manhood. His moans all the while egging me on, pulling me in deeper to the pool that was what I could only describe as Shoyou. Hinata. My boyfriend, my lover, the only person I really cared about. Instead of all this, I was imagining him, walking away into the distance. I could see the tears that stained his cheeks. I could hear the sobs racking his small and beautiful body as his steps grew faint. I could smell the salt of my own tears. And taste all the kisses, and secret pecks, that he had given and I had greedily taken. Happy for each one. And I could feel, I could feel my heart, breaking. Over and over and over again. I was screaming at his back, telling him, pleading with him, that it was me. Not him, he was perfect. I was the one that was scared. Scared, and terribly broken. 

“Yes?” I asked, draping the bored expression over my face to hide my growing panic that I had given myself away. I run my hand through my hair, roots black, not receiving the same care my blond tips did, and squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears that were welling behind my cat-like eyes. 

Kurro gave me a long look before grabbing my shoulder and saying,”Practice is starting and we need our setter.” I nod in reply, and shy away from his touch. Quickly I finish tying my shoes. Of course, of course they just needed their setter. No one knew, or even suspected that I was thinking about me leaving Shoyou. Not seriously of course, this had only happened a few times, but usually the visions only took place in my nightmares. The ones that made me scream his name and bolt up in bed, clinging to the covers, pretending they were his hands. And that the soft sheets were his arms, encircling and protecting me. This was the first time that they had ever entered my mind when the sun was out. I had gotten to comfortable with the thought that I was safe under the light of the sun. I was convinced that my demons only haunted my mind at night. I was a complete and udder fool.

I hear the familiar bing of my cell and then the very familiar and very welcome tune to show that the text had come from Shoyou. Rising from my spot on the floor, I opened my phone, revealing my home screen of Shoyou wearing my Nekoma jacket. Even though we aren’t that much different in size the jacket seemed to swallow him up. He had the big, goofy grin on his face that almost made his eyes shut, and he held up a peace sign that honestly made hime cuter. I open my mail quickly before heading onto the court. I had one message, it lit up my screen and buzzed silently as I opened it. I was right, it was from Shoyou. They were always from Shoyou. Cute little notes during the day, night, lunch, practices, whenever and wherever he could find the time. He always told me he loved, or that I was cute, or amazing. And I had always replied with the same tiny poetic words that weren’t by any means creative or funny. And yet, Shoyou still sent heart eyes or laughed through emoticons. He cared for me so much he would never tell me how bad I was at this. I smile to myself, happy to leave that stupid nightmare behind me. And embrace him. 

I have a surprise for you!!!!

A break between texts. I always wondered why he had found the need to do that.

Remember when you told me that your parents were out of town for Christmas break? Well, guess who’s coming to Tokyo……..but only if you want me too, of course.

I laughed at him and his nervousness, even though we’ve done this countless of times. He still never got used to the fact that he could be with me alone whenever he wanted. Then I bit my lip, suddenly remembering what “alone” meant. It meant Shoyou, and me. It meant the thing I’d been craving for months, but not just from anyone, from Shoyou and only Shoyou. It was only him that made me quiver and ache and moan like I was drowning. Which in a way, I was. But when I was with him, I never wanted to come up for air. I quickly type out my reply.

Oh, I want you too. Definitely. In fact, I want you now. How soon could you be here?

My insides ached from the idea of him being so close. I stared at my screen, anxiously awaiting a reply, when a volleyball hit my foot. I sighed and turned off my phone, sticking it into my bag as I picked up the ball and walked onto the court. Kurro was telling a joke to Lev, who in turn, burst into laughter, bending over and slapping his knee. Kurro snickered beside him. He looked up at me and we locked eyes. I could feel my face burning, all the way from the bottom of my neck, to the top of my ears. Kurro gave me a questioning eyebrow raised, and when my eyes darted to the floor it seemed to be all the proof he needed.

He cupped a hand around his mouth,”Was that Shrimpy you were texting, eh?” The rest of the team looked my way, and smiled as my eyes darted around the room, trying desperately to find an escape. “Woo, Kenma. Get some,” he yelled again and everyone laughed. I joined in with a quiet chuckle.

“Jealous,” I asked teasingly with a tiny smile. hoping the slight inch from my comfort zone didn’t kill me. 

“Of you? Hell yea,” and once again everyone laughed. I didn’t get jealous cause I knew he was just messing around. Jealousy was something I was prone to when it came to Shoyou. I’m usually not a jealous person, but if someone looks at him with any interest I immediately go into protective mode, and Hinata swears he one time heard me growl at cashier that looked to long in his direction.

“Whatever,” I say and dismiss the conversation with a wave of my hand,” are we going to play or just talk about my sex life.”

“Aha! He admitted it!” Lev shouted too loudly, earning a kick in the behind from Yaku. “What was that for!” He yelled dramatically.

“You were being too loud.” Yaku states matter-of-factly while the rest of the team “oohed” at my sudden “confession”. And I was saved from more prying by the whistle, and we huddled around coach. I let out a breath of relief and bite my lip again. Running quickly, I grab my phone to once again check from any new messages. Just one. From him.

Tomorrow. 

That one word sent a shiver of pleasure done my spine. Shaking it off I ran back over to the team. And all through practice all I could think was, “One more day. One more day and I can see him again.”

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HINATA’S POV

 

Tomorrow.

With that one word I became a pile of pink tinted skin and sweat. In less than 24 hours I would be with Kenma again, and I couldn’t even think about hiding my excitement. I turn off my phone and shove it deep into my gym bag, taking my time to find the little secret pocket that hides my most valuable possessions. Once it’s stuffed safely into my black bag, I sigh with happiness. I couldn’t wait. Even the idea of seeing Kenma again drove me crazy. The memories of all the things we have said to each other, done to each other, made me melt to the point so that I could be twisted and turned, molded into anything he desired. He always knew exactly what to say and exactly what to do, he was an expert in all that was me. He knew me better than I knew me, and it was scary and so…arousing.

His lips on my neck. Skin against skin. Tight, no room to breath, but never had I been so free. The slow, steady pace of his breaths, the hot air hitting my chest. The roaming of his hand that left tingles were his fingers had just been. His reassuring words through the whole process. “Don’t think Shoyou, just look at me” and “I love you”. He had been steady from, which he later told me, holding back. He said that me beneath him had driven him insane, and yet he didn’t move faster, and slowed more if I whimpered. The first time, I couldn’t feel any pain because of the fact the I was so close to Kenma. The only one that has ever been this close to Kenma, is me. The second and third time though, those were the times that I dreamed about at night.

“Oi, Hinata. What’s with that smile on your face, it’s hurting my eyes.” Kageyama walks up to me and scowls as I smile at him. It was hurting my cheeks but I couldn’t help it. I was about to tell him the exact reason until Noya and Tanaka snatched my gym bag right off the floor. My eyes widened as they dug through it, and I heard the distinct noise of my little secret pocket being opened. I flung myself at them, but realized Tanaka was holding me back. I squirmed in his arms.

“Noya! What’re you doing,” I yell as he takes out my phone.

Noya shook the phone in-front of my face as he plastered a playful frown on his face. “Hinata, you know Daichi’s rule about phones out during practice,” He crosses his arms over his chest,”I’m sorry but I’m afraid I’ll have to report you to Daichi.” Deep down Hinata knew that they were just messing with him, but the thought didn’t really reach the decision making part of the brain. Half of his hand was screaming “NOOO DON’T TELL DAICHI” and the other hand stilled had the image of Kenma hovering above hi- Hinata this is not the time.

I knew my face was red. “No, you can’t tell Daichi. I needed to use it because I had to tell Kenma that my parent’s didn’t care if I came to visit him for most of the break. And his parent’s aren’t home and I haven’t seen him in months,”I was very aware that I was talking to quickly to understand,”and I miss him and I wanna be alone with him and..and.” I take a deep breath of air, preparing myself to continue my machine gun of words, when Tanaka let me go. He swaggered over to stand beside Noya, he took the phone and extended it in my direction.

“Why didn’t you just say so,” and with those words I knew they had played me like a piano. I huff angrily and ripped the phone from his hands, turning around and stuffing it back into my bag with an angry pout. This time not bothering with the secret pocket. 

“You know, I would’ve told you everything if you had just asked,” I huff under my breath. I hear a short laughter behind me, and felt Noya’s arm around my shoulders.

“We know,” he smiled brightly,”But honestly Hinata, you’re just to easy to fool.”

Tanaka walks in-front of me, his eyebrows raised and a weird smile on his face. “So, what’re are you gonna do when you’re with your little boyfriend down in Tokyo all alone.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and my face turns bright red. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed of being with Kenma, he was perfect and I love to talk about anything that included him. This subject though, it was so personal, and it had been drilled into my head from years of being told that it was supposed to be kept a secret. I wasn’t ashamed of it. And I definitely didn’t regret it.

Gathering my courage, I force down the blush and say quietly,” maybe if we feel like it,” I glance back up at Tanaka,”but we always feel like it so..” And Tanaka just stared at me, mouth open a wide eyed. I felt a pair of eyes boring a hole into my back, but I just shake it off.

“Aww. Hinata, don’t mind Ryu. He’s just upset that you’re getting more action than he is.” Noya says this and walks away laughing brightly as a angry Tanaka stalks after him. Screaming something about getting more action than Noya’s little mind could understand. I sigh with relief, glad to be rid of that shocked stare. I turn and see Kageyama, towering over me in the same stance he always does. I slink away slightly, terror crossing my face.

His eyes didn’t hold any anger though, they just looked glossy. “You didn’t really mean that. Right?” His voice is barely a whisper. 

“Why would I lie about that.” I joke and walk away,”Hang on, we’ll head out as soon as I talk to Daichi about something.” I hear Kageyama follow me but don’t think much of it. I walk out of the gym and up the steps to the club room. The cold air freezes my sweat and I visibly shiver. Looking up I see that the sky was pitch black, no stars. And the thought of that dampened my mood for a second, why I have absolutely no idea, but it was so back to normal as I knocked on the door of the club room. I hear ‘come in’ from the other side and I slide the door open slowly. “Um.Daichi I need to tell you something.” I walk in and rub the back of my head as I speak, glancing down at the floor.

“of course,” Daichi motions me farther into the room,”What do you need Hinata?”

I paused, Suga was here and he would understand, that made this whole process a lot easier. “Um, I-I just wanted to t-tell. Well I w-wanted to say that….You see the thin-.”

“Spit it out,” Suga says laughing softly.

I take a deep breath and with it I find newfound pride,”I came here to tell you that I won’t be here for the first 2 practices over Christmas break,” Glancing up I notice Daichi or Suga don’t look mad so I continue,”You see, I’m going to see Kenma for a week in Tokyo and I just miss him so much and I promise I’ll be here for all the other prac-.”

This time Daichi interrupted me with one raised hand,”I completely understand Hinata.”

“You-You do?” Surprisingly easy, too easy.

“Yes. I know that if it was someone I loved I’d be with them every chance I got,” he smiles at Suga who in turn blushes,”and besides you work so hard, you deserve a break. And what are 2 practices.” I can feel tears forming behind my eyes. I had ran this whole conversation through my head countless time since my mom said I could go to Tokyo. It always had Daichi guilt tripping me into staying, saying things like “You must care about Kenma more than you care about volleyball”. Never had I imagined him actually agreeing.

“Thank you sooooo much Daichi, and Kenma promised we’d practice while I’m there. So I won’t be just sitting around.” I’m beaming now, this was the last step in making sure that nothing would keep me from Tokyo. From Kenma. Just then, as I’m imaging long nights draped by Kenma’s sheets, Kageyama clears his throat, loudly. When did he come into the room?

“Did you have something to say Kageyama?” Suga asks.

“Yes, actually. I don’t think this is such a good idea.” The way he said it made it seem like it was the only reasonable option. That of course Hinata couldn’t go all the way to Tokyo. His tone gave of the image that I wasn’t capable of it, and that made me even angrier than the all things he would usually say.

“Not a good idea?!” I yell in his face, but it remains passive. Unmoving like a mountain. It shook my bones and fueled my anger. Who is he to say this wasn’t a good idea? Who was he to basically stomp on my happiness? What did he think was such a good argument that I would have to stay?

“Hinata, calm down,” Daichi fold his arms over his chest,”Please, enlighten me Kageyama as to why you think this is a bad idea.”

“ For one, Hinata can’t miss practice. His skills are barely mediocre.” Mediocre?!

“I think he’s already clarified that he will be practicing with Kenma and the rest of the Nekoma team. I’m confident they’ll work him just as hard as any other member.” Ha! Take the Bakaeyama!

“Well, what about the fact that the trip is very dangerous.”

“Hinata has done it countless time. Plus he’s not a baby.”

“He could hurt himself.” Kageyama was getting visibly angry, but if Daichi noticed he didn’t let it show. And by this point I was already cowering behind Suga.

“I trust him to be careful.” A slight tilt of his head gave a hint that this conversation has to end. Now. Kageyama’s fuming. Daichi’s nerves are going berserk, which I could tell from the pulsing vain is his head. And, if I had a knife, I could cut the tension in the air. 

“They’re having sex. Did you know that?” And just like that the tuff tension fades away and is quickly replaced by embarrassment, and just the tiniest bit of laughter from Suga. And I, I just stand there, face pale, arms open wide, excepting death. Daichi chokes on air and I swear I hear the sweet sounds of Death coming to take me away from this hell. And as Daichi clears his throat, I whimper. Any day now Mr.Reaper guy!

“Whatever,”another throat clearing and a deep intake of breath,” whatever Hinata does in his free time is none of our business or concern. As long as what he’s doing doesn’t hurt him, he may do whatever he please. “ He glances in my direction. Can I use the tension knife to stab myself? “With whoever he pleases.” And with one last angry puff of air, Kageyama leaves the club room, slamming (more like sliding forcefully) the door behind him. Through my embarrassment I manage a sigh a relief, and visibly relax when the hard and embarrassment filled air quickly leaves the room. I turn to Daichi and Suga, head low, ready for a long speech about how I can’t do this and can’t do that. But it never came. Instead I just hear Suga laugh.

Glancing up I see Suga waving a hand around his face,”what are you still doing here Hinata? Shouldn’t you start packing? You have a long trip ahead of you.” I open my mouth shocked. Looking a Daichi I see his confirming, and rather uncomfortable, smile. My 100 watt smile returns, and I quickly thank them again yanking open the door and running outside. I didn’t notice that Kageyama wasn’t waiting for me as usual. 

I looked up, and suddenly had the breath stolen right from my chest. The sky, once black and dull, was no filled to the absolute brim with stars. It looked like a pot threatening to spill over with the heavens themselves. I just stare for what feels like hours. Counting and recounting the stars in my line of vision. Gaping as they twinkle and spin, dancing though the sky like in a ballet. I wondered why I was so captivated by the endless beauty of the horizon above me? I wondered why I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off one of the things that had never meant anything to me before? I couldn’t realize what was so special about this sky, about these stars. 

And with a tiny chuckle I had a eureka moment.

It was Kenma.

It was always Kenma.


	2. A Million Broken Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata packs for his trip.  
> Kenma finds a deeper resolution.

Hinata’s POV

 

I scramble through the doorway of my home, kicking shoes off my feet, I hear their thump in the background but barely register as I race up the stairs. Taking two at a time I finally reach my room, and by the time I swing open the door I can hear my family complaining about which one will have to settle me down tonight. I ignore them and shut my door, softer now, and start pulling apart the room. Desperately searching for my suitcase. Closet. Nothing. Bed. Zilch. Nightstand. Nada. I’m pulling at my orange clumps of hair, racking my brain as I try to remember where I put it last.

Let’s see? What was the last trip I took? Ah, the training camp. That was so much fun, I remember when Kurro poured chocolate sauce all the way Bokuto’s back and he sounded like a wounded owl, he kept clawing at his back and screaming for Akas-. Stop Hinata, this is not the time? I slap my cheeks to return my mind to focusing on the location of my suitcase. 

I was so tired the night I came back, I remember coming home and falling immediately into a deep sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But what did I do before that? Ok, so first I opened the front door. Then, I took off my shoes and put them into the cubby. Next I lugged my suitcase up the stairs and then Natsu stopped me and asked if I had any laundry. So I handed her my entire suitcase because I went through every article of clothing in the hot, sticky summer. Natsu!

Springing from my spot near the door, I race down the hallway, tripping as I turned the sharp corner, causing me to fall. I let out a loud “ow” but am back up on my feet in a matter of second. I slide Natsu’s door open and yell,”NNAATTSSUU!” To which she hits me on the head.

“Ni-chan, you’re being to loud,” she frowns at me,”It’s after ten and mom and dad are trying to sleep. Please be more considerate.” I nod my head many times, my neck is starting to hurt. “Whada ya need?” 

“Well, remember when I came home from the training camp last summer and I was so worn out and you asked if I had any dirty close and I just handed you my suitcase so you could wash all of my stuff,” she nods,” well now I’m going to Kenma’s tomorrow and I can’t find my suitcase and I just wanted to ask you if you knew where it was.”

“Of course I do,” she walks out the door,”go back to your room. I’ll bring it to you.” I run, much more quietly, to my room and start picking up the clothes I had thrown from my closet in an attempt at discovering my suitcase. I was flipping my finger through the shirts and pants, when I started to wonder, “should I bring better clothes”. Every time I’ve been with Kenma I’ve either been in my uniform, athletic clothes, or pajamas. I’ve never really worn my nice things in-front of him. My hands self consciously grab at my white t-shirt and pull at my blue shorts. 

Does Kenma think that I dress sloppily? He always looks so cool and cute in his jeans and jackets. Would he like it better if I wore my good clothes too? Taking out a pair of well-fitting jeans, I run my hands down it, cringing at the feel of the fabric. It’s starchy and feels like it would give me a rash. I’ve only wore them once and that was when my mom made me try them on. She gushed about how they looked sooooo good on me, and I guess in a way they did. They made my legs look longer and my butt look more like a, well, butt. They also hung off my hips in a way that made it seem like I had hips. They looked good but I gave up style for comfort a long time ago.

I sigh and put the pants away right before Natsu walks in holding my dark blue suitcase. I scramble over to her and lug it from her tiny arms so that it sits on the bed. After unzipping it I go back to the closet and pick out some clothes. Shorts, T-shirts, sweat pants, underwear, socks. Everything I need is stuffed into the suitcase. I hear Natsu sigh as she starts to fold the clothes and neatly put them into the suitcase. 

“Ni-chan?” I look away from the closet. I had been staring at the pants and a blue button up shirt that was bought the same day as the pants. I could imagine how they would look on me. I could imagine Kenma’s face when he saw me all dressed up. I know he would love it by the way he talk about the things he sees men in magazines wear. “Look at this shirt Shoyou” “What do you think of this jacket” “don’t you think this hat is sexy”. 

“Yah?” I ask grabbing the pants and shirt and hanging them on the doorknob. The first time in months Kenma will see me, I want to look like nothing he’s ever seen. I grab another good outfit to pack and notice that Natsu has a frown on her face. “What’s wrong?”

She looks up at me, her eyes are wide,”Does mom know you’re going to Tokyo?”

“Of course she does.”

“Does she know you’re staying with Kenma?”

“Yes.”

“Does she know who Kenma is?” My throat froze.

“She knows what I tell her,” her face said to continue,”she knows that we met at a training camp and became really good friends.”

“Does she know that Kenma is your boyfriend?” I look at my feet.

“I may have let that tiny detail slip by.” It was true, mom and dad didn’t know that me and Kenma were…more. I’m not ashamed of him, not at all. And I know that they would both be so accepting, but I could never bring myself to do it. Every time I tried I always ended up frezzing and babbling on about something else. I never understood why I couldn’t tell them. I told the team as if it were as easy as jumping. And I know Kenma had told his parents and his team. I wanted to tell them, but when the time came I always slunk away from the words and hid behind a string of lies. 

“Tiny detail,” Natsu shuts my suitcase forcefully and zips it quickly,”it’s no tiny detail. You need to tell them.”

“I know.”

“They deserve to know.”

“I know.”

She sighs and rubs her temple,”Kenma deserves someone that isn’t embarrassed to tell his parents.”

“I’m not embarrassed. I’m not ashamed. I don’t what it is, but I know that I am so proud to be with Kenma. That won’t change. But every time I start to tell them I just….clam up,” I rub my arm,”I’ll tell them as soon as I get home. Okay? I swear.”

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————Meanwhile; In Tokyo  
Kenma’s POV  
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

Even before the car had been parked in the garage, I jump out. Sprinting quickly around corners, up stairs, down long corridors, outside facing the bright, full moon. I hardly feel the pressure against my lungs, but I can still hear Korro’s laugh and heavy breathing. I don’t think I was really tired, all I could really think was that I needed to get home and I needed to quickly. It was already 7 at night, so I only had 12 more hours till he finally got here.

The reasons for my sprinting are 1. Everything, and I mean everything, had to be cleaned, 2. I needed to plan exactly what we were going to do, beside *cough* you know, and 3. I had a really raging boner ever since Shoyou’s text and I was getting really tired of having to hide it. I know Shoyou wouldn’t care if my house was clean, and we’d probably decide what we would do when he got here, but I felt like I had to do these things. I wanted everything to be perfect.

It also had nothing to do with the fact that my anxiety was ten-fold what it was with any thing else and I desperately wanted to take my mind away from it. It wasn’t because he was coming, hell no. I couldn’t be more excited to see him again, kiss him, hold him, even being near him would have been enough. But my mind wouldn’t play the laughs and hugs and kisses, instead I had that nightmare on repeat inside my head. It was the cinderblocks tied to my feet, dragging me down down down, farther into a sea of tears. It made me want to stop breathing, anything to get the haunting image of Shoyou crying out of my head. To this day I’ve only seen him cry once, and I intend to keep it that way.

Flashback

“Kenma,” Shoyou turned to me, a pout adorning his face,”Where are your parents? I wanted to introduce myself.” I looked towards the walls as if it were the Mona Lisa, and I was appalled that it didn’t even kneel to it’s reputation.

“They, uh,”I didn’t turn to him as I spoke,” they don’t really stay here. They’re away on business a lot, I don’t really get to see them all that much.” It was true, they always had a business meeting or a getaway party with friends. But other things kept them away too. I desperately want to tell him everything. How there marriage was failing but they were to much of the perfect power couple to get a divorce. How they both went to different countries to sleep with different people. How dad couldn’t be home because he had a gay son and before that couldn’t have keep his lips from a bottle. How mom couldn’t stand having a drunk for a husband and a son for a child that she drowned her sorrows in pills and plastic surgery. Everything wanted to flee from my lips but were held back by a barrier that I had learned to put up at a young age.

I wiped my eyes, and felt a hand on my shoulder. Slowly, frail arms wrapped around my chest and encased my body, a new wall that I felt comfortable in. Shoyou was so close I could feel his heartbeat, and I slowed my breathing to his and marveled when are beats were the exact same intervals apart. 

He put a hand under my chin and turned my face to look at him,”you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I don’t mind having to wait for anything if it means one day I can get every piece of you.” I laughed, a low and shallow chuckle.

“That was incredibly cheesy.” I smiled softly.

“I know,” he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead,”but it got you to smile.” Then without thinking I told him everything. And for 3 hours I poured out every inch of my life and soul, every gory, heartbreaking detail. I pulled up pieces of myself that I didn’t even know I had. And when I was done, his face was blank.”Excuse me.” He said it and quickly left the room. and I got so scared that he realized I was to damaged and decided to leave. But then I heard soft sobs from the hallway.

Picking myself up off the bed, I opened the door and found Shoyou sitting on the ground. One hand covering his mouth while the other braced himself against the wall. Streams of tears rolled down his face and collected on his shirt. I walked hesitantly towards him. My feet hit a loose board and the whole house creaked, and to the silence of that room it sounded like someone had fired a gun.

Shoyou sniffed and wiped at his eyes,” I know I shouldn’t cry, but someone hurting you like that - in any way-, it pains me.” He chuckles softly,”It’s ridiculous, I know. But I feel to much for you to ever really want you to be hurt. Maybe I’m just overreact-“ I cut him off as I threw myself at him and wrapped my arms around his back, holding him tight. 

“No one, and I mean no one, has ever cried for me,” I whisper into his ear,” I have been broken countless times by people who claimed to love me and care, even by my own parents.” He doesn’t move, he just takes a sharp intake of breath and I continue,”Those people have never cried for me, heartless people that broke a child. And here you are, sitting on the ground, crying about something you didn’t even do.” Now it was my turn to grab his chin and turn his head towards me, his eyes were red and puffy. I could see faint streaks of tears on his bloated cheeks, and his eyes had never been more beautiful in color. A deep brown with hints of green, gold around the iris. “I promise I will love you with every broken piece of me. And I’ll never make you cry”

He sat there, mouth agape, for a few seconds before closing the distance and putting his mouth against mine. His kiss was soft and sweet and shy, and reminded me of the first time I had ever felt his lips and his tongue against mine. He pulls away slightly and rests his forehead against mine, a slight smile pulling at the corners of his lips,”that was incredibly cheesy.”

“I know, but I got you to smile.”

 

End Flashback

 

I shake the loving memory from my head and I slow to a walk. Turning a bend in the street I see my houses roof towering not far in the distance. And it’s not to long before I hear Kurro beside me, breathing heavily from the amount of running he had to do to catch up to me.

“Damn son….,” deep breath,”..we should…invite Shrimpy over…more often.” I don’t acknowledge him,”Oh c’mon Kenma. How many time have you had Shrimpy over? Five? Six?” Once again I don’t say a thing and just continue walking,”You need to stop worrying….Because when he sees you worry, he will immediately start to worry and I’ll be stuck with the cute seafood and his tiny pleas for help. ‘Oh Kurro what do I do. Kenma is being a dramatic baby and he just won’t put an end to my ongoing lustful torment.’” His voice was too high-pitched in it’s mocking tone,”’ You have to help me, you have to end my suffering!’ You must-“ I end his babbling with a glare of a hundred thousand warriors of the sun, all bearing down on him and his suggestions of such infidelity.

“Okay okay,” he puts his hand up in defense,”I’m sorry I was just trying to get any reaction from you. Shrimpy really will worry though….You don’t want him to worry do you?” 

I sigh,”No. No of course not.” I hate it when Kurro’s right. I also hate it when he mocks Shoyou like that, he’s not being mean, he’s just trying to get a rise out of me. I also hate how that always works. I usually ignore everything anyone says, I just tune it out. In one ear and out the other. But I absolutely despise when his name passes through another persons lips, even if it is in a totally nonchalant way. The way Kurro does this has led me to have suspicions that he even likes Shoyou, but he flirts with everyone, even me, so I don’t think much about it. But Kageyama on the other hand….

Kageyama

The very name reeks havoc to my temper. It is so obvious by the way he acts around Shoyou, talks to him, hell even looks at him. He is deeply infatuated and had tried on numerous occasions to get into his pants, all failed gratefully. But now I can barely be in the same room as him with a straight face. Let’s just say it took a lot of practice.

I shake my head and bring my breathing down, hoping Kurro didn’t notice I speak again,”You’re right, I need to stop worrying. It’s just…I’ve been having these uh….”

“What Kenma?”

“I have been having these nightmares, and they’re all the same.” I say reluctantly.

“What happens in these nightmares?” And I stay as silent as the dead,”Kenma, I can’t help if you won’t tell me.”

“It’s Shoyou and he…he’s crying and walking away from me. I don’t remember words leaving my lips, but I can see his face turning from happy to completely….broken,” I take one long shaky breath in,”and I think, no I know, it’s because of me. I did something, said something, that made him cry, that made him walk away, that made him break. I broke him, Kurro. Me. I never….I don’t want too-“ My pleas were interrupted by sharp intakes of breath. A hand on my chest, a hand on the wall beside me. Sharp and merciless breaths beating my body down, down, down. Tears forming in the corner of my eyes. My whole world goes into blur, and my faces becomes twisted with panic. Looking at Kurro I see his face is calm.

“Kenma,” he grabs my shoulder,”Kenma look at me.” And I do. I raise my head with lots of effort, from the ground. “Okay, remember. One breath in through the nose,” I try and fail to do this,”that’s okay, try again.” This time I have more luck.”Now hold it, and let out two short breaths through the mouth. One and two. Now keep doing that.” He stands with me until I’ve completely gone back to normal. And waits with me longer until I feel up to walking the rest of the block to my house. 

“Thanks Kurro, and I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize, you did nothing wrong. You just got a little upset is all, don’t worry so much.” He ruffles my hair,”but you got this way over Shrimpy, I thought you guys were just messing around. I didn’t think you actually cared this much.” 

I nod,”It’s scary sometimes.”

“Yeah, but I guess that’s how you know you love someone.” I look at him confused,” when your heart aches; when your stomach drops; when your lungs feel like they’re caving in, just because of the thought of them leaving.” He lets out a long sigh,”I’ve never been in love, but what just happened here, that’s what I imagine it would feel like. It would be the wake up call that this isn’t just a fling, it’s the thing that you only find in fiction.”

I stare at Kurro for a long time before saying,”You know, sometimes I think you’re wiser than you let on.”

“Nah, I’m just so stupid that sometimes it makes sense.”

And Kurro watched me from the corner of his eye all they way to my house. And he turned around to leave as I unlocked the door, we muttered goodbyes to each other and I walked inside before he had even left the pathway. The lights were off and I didn’t bother to turn them on. The glow from the full moon gave off just enough light to see, and looking around I noticed the giant house was spotless, the maid must have come. Going to my room and looking through the shelves of video games, board games, and books I realized I have done everything more than once and doing them again seems pointless. I walked to the hallway were Shoyou had cried and sat there. Putting my head between my knees, I covered myself with my arms and cried softly. Remembering the yells and screams that had bounced of these walls. Remembering the tears that stained the floors. Remembering the nightmare of the only person I truly cared about walking away. I remembered all of this and my breath quickened again. And this time no one was there to count my breaths and clutch my shoulders.

It’s nights like these where I wish so badly that I could be curled up next to you and be able to focus on your breathing and fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeats. I laid down, my back pressing into the cool wood of the spotless floor and prayed to whatever higher power to send him to me and to make sure he never left. To end these nightmares. After, I fell asleep, with red lips and tear stained cheeks. His name on my tongue like a million broken promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!!


	3. Arrival of a dream

Hinata’s POV

 

It all seemed simple enough. Grab the train, switch at second stop, then at third. Take one more short train ride and exit into Tokyo’s station. Yes, everything seemed so simple to me. Kenma had explained it over the phone numerous time. Saying things like,”Don’t worry Shoyou,” and,”We’ll find each other. It’ll be okay.” But it sure as hell didn’t seem okay, and it sure as hell didn’t seem simple.

I had arrived at the station a little over 5 minuets ago and already I was incredibly lost and incredibly uncomfortable. Kenma was waiting for me at the entrance, he was so close and I had absolutely no idea how to get to him. Plus, these pants were rubbing me in all the wrong ways, and let me just say that riding for hours on a train in these starchy pieces of fabric helped none. I was slowly starting to get frustrated with all the pushy people, and the butts! I cursed under my breath about my height, again. I could handle being the smallest on the team, or being constantly teased by Kageyama and Tsukishima, but I could under no circumstances handle being at eye level with every single butt in Tokyo. That was just to much. God why is everyone so tall!

I quickly found a little nook in the wall to catch my breath. Even though it was considerably cold in the station, I could feel the sweat of frustration and anger slowly dripping down my back. Oh God…please don’t let it show through my shirt! I was not, under any circumstance, let Kenma see me, for the first time in months, covered in sweat. I sighed deeply, bringing out my phone I dialed Kenma’s number. It rang twice before he answered. 

“Shoyou.” And just like that everyone faded away. I had just spoken with him 2 hours ago, why did it feel so personal now to hear his voice through the phone. It made absolutely noooo sense. But it made something happen, and it made me feel calmer. Maybe it was the calm of his voice, the fact that I knew he wasn’t hundreds of miles away, or maybe the pollution in Tokyo that I had heard so much about, “Shoyou, where are you?”

I laughed slitghly.”I have absolutely no idea.” No truer words have ever been spoken.

“Well, tell me what you see,” He was so calm. He was always so calm, it reminded me of the summer night when the fireflies were everywhere and you just watched, as it seemed the sky was falling into your palm. Stars in all. And that was exactly what Kenma was. A falling sky. Made perfectly to fit into the palm of your hand so you could stare into the galaxies and get lost in the shimmer of the stars and planets. It seemed I was always lost. In Kenma and freaking train stations.

“I see butts, lots of butts.” Kenma laughed through the phone, but I went on.”I’m standing in a little nook next to a coffee house and across from a souvenir shop. The smell of expresso and plastic outweigh the butts in the attention category,” and I laughed with Kenma this time, “oh wait the coffee shop is called ‘Got Coffee?’. Like the Got Milk thing but with coffee, seriously? All the names for your shop in the world and you choose that?!” Nervous laughter and slight disappointment in the human race can be heard from my end of the line. “What do I do Kenma?” 

“Okay, Shoyou I want you to listen carefully.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Kenma’s POV

 

“Oh wait…I see you!” I hear Shoyou shout this on the other end of the phone, and I start turning looking for him. But with the very large throng of people I could barley see my hand in-front of my face, it was a fog of forgettable faces, even so it should have been so simple to spot Shoyou’s bright orange hair. Even if he was incredibly short.

“Well, where are you?” But it was to late, I could hear the soft buzzing that meant the call had been ended. Damn it Shoyou! I sigh and shove the phone into the back pocket of my too tight skinny jeans. Wanting to look nice for the occasion I decided to wear the pants that he said, and I quote, “If those skinny jeans were a religion you’d might see me in church more”. This was the followed by large amounts of blushing on his part, and I pulled him into a hug and laughed softly into his hair. Then I remember he buried his face into my shirt and we just stayed like that. He pulled away slightly and I had tilted his chin just enough to lean down and carefully kiss his lips. He had returned it and then opened his mouth and then proceed to stick his tongue down my throat. But I pulled away, trust me I didn’t want to, but we just so happened to be hardcore making out in a 7 Eleven at the time and I didn’t think they would appreciate finding to horny, teenage boys in their soda section.

I bite my lip at the memory and replay it in my head, remembering every detail of that moment when other people had not mattered at all. All that had mattered was the tingling feeling his hair gave my fingers and the kind rotation of his tongue in my mouth. The thing that really shook me to the core though was the loving way Shoyou had held my right hand, squeezing it gently with each exhale of air. I swear making love to me is never just about me and him in bed. We made love that night when we just held hands at midnight in the middle of a 7 Eleven, sneaking kisses and compliments. I just can’t imag-

“KEENNNMMMAA!!” I’m thrown from my thoughts by a familiar voice yelling my name. And I’m thrown off my feet by a familiar body tackling me to the ground. I was very confused until I caught a whiff of this offenders smell, coconut and cinnamon. Plus a little bit a manly deodorant that was so faint that you wouldn’t even know it was there. Shoyou. My arms wrap around his waist as I hit the ground, and immediately I bury my head into his neck and breathe in deeply. And it hit me like a bullet how much I had missed him. Before it was just heartache and slow nights counting the minuets until I’d see him again. But now, oh God now, now my heart could explode with tears and love and joy. Here we were, on the ground of the busiest station in the world and I finally felt the feeling of just us. The warmth and comfort of his smell and the feeling of his arms wrapped around my neck.

For what felt like forever we didn’t speak, we just played there and held tighter. I couldn’t hear the whispers or feel the glares of the passing people. But I could hear Shoyou’s heartbeat and I could feel his heavy breathing become more even. And when, finally, our breaths matched I spoked.

“You know, I think I could kiss you better if I could see your lips.” I hear, well more like feel, his chuckle from above me. He moves to stand up and so do I, but I make sure I always have one hand on his back. Now we stand in-front of each other at arms link and all I can do is stare at him and his deep chocolate brown eyes that are never erased from the back of my mind even when I don’t get to see them for months at a time. This small opening in my mind is full of these memories of him that I can’t bring myself to fully forget or remember.

“That’s better, right.” I snake my arm over one of his shoulders and move my hand slowly up his chest to his cheek, my thumb playfully strokes the skin of his neck on the way up. I lean in closer until our lips are just centimeter s away and-

A very mean looking old man elbows me and I head butt Shoyou…..Great.

“Well…this was…incredibly romantic,” he states rubbing his forehead. Wincing slightly at the applied pressure.

“Hey, it was going well.” I state and put my hands into my pockets, “Come on,” I nod my head towards the doors,”Kurro’s waiting for us in the car and I don’t want him to get impatient and leave.” Shoyou nods his head and follows me as I head towards the door. I take one hand out of my pocket and reach back for him, and calm floods over me like tsunami when I feel his hand slip into mine. His hands had become rougher since the last time I had seen him. I grip him tighter, I did not feel like loosing him at the moment. The doors slide open as I walk through and the crowd clears slightly on the street. We walk to the edge of the sidewalk and stand under the sign that reads ‘pickup’ but Kurro was nowhere to be found. 

As soon as we settle beside a bench I hear the familiar tone that meant I’d just received a message.

Sorry I went to go get ice-cream cause I got bored :P

 

~Kurro

 

I roll my eyes and turn my head to give the news to Shoyou, but then he lays his head onto my shoulder and I completely freeze. His eyes are closed and his face is relaxed. He breathes in through his nose once, a big breath that stops time and holds my tongue. I couldn’t possibly imagine saying anything, hell I don’t even think my regular bodily functions work at the moment. He holds that breath for awhile and I just watch him to see what he’ll do.

And finally he lets it go.

“Being away from you exhausts me.” And no truer words could have ever been spoken. They fit the moment in a way that you could only understand if you stood there, with your first love, holding back a hurricane of words and emotions. Just hoping to God that he doesn’t smell the sweat on your palms. 

After an eternity, Kurro finally pulls up. I fling the door of the old Honda open, my hand gripped on the chipping white paint covering the handle. I usher Shoyou in quickly as I take his bag and stick it into the trunk of the car. After I slide into the car my legs tense up on the tan leather seats and I held my breath from either fear or anticipation of what could come after the 15 minute drive back to my house. I could feel every scenario that had littered my mind over these past few months when Shoyou wasn’t in with me. I could see the way he would look without clothes and taste his tongue and it was extremely nerve racking. But I hid my volcano of sexual need behind a bored face, that has become so well practiced, and sighed as I peered out the window.

I can see Shoyou’s reflection in my mirror and either calms or kills me that he is also looking out his window. I reach my arm out further, an inch at a time. It is agonizing but in a minute I can feel his hand and I gently intertwine my fingers with his and some tension leaves my body.

“I’m surprised,” Kurro pipes up from the front seat,”I thought for sure I’d be hearing moans by now.” Oh god. “I mean you two haven’t seen each other months, I was excepting to have to pry you two apart to protect my fragile innocence.” He laughs his loud douche boy laugh and I capture his eyes in the mirror above his head.

He smirks at me and then I see his eyes travel over to Shoyou, and from the slight enlargement of his pupils I can see I’m not the only one who noticed how good he looks in his new clothes. Instinctively I grip his hand harder and pull him into my chest.

“What? Ken-?” He starts.

“You should wear your seatbelt.” I interrupt him and unhook are hands, only to then wrap my arm around his waist. And when I meet Kurro’s eyes in the mirror again I see a slight smirk layered onto his face. The look of “To easy” sparkling in his eyes. And I hint of a smile graces my lips, half because Kurro’s and idiot and half because I can feel Shoyou’s heart beat.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Later Kurro, see you at practice tomorrow.” I wave him goodbye and close the door to the backseat of the car. As he drives away the air between me and Shoyou goes still and looking over at him I see his face has reddened, either with embarrassment or excitement. I let out one long breath and turn my head to the direction of the door.”Come on,” he nods and follows behind me. I enter the code into the door quickly and grab his bag as I hold the door open for him to move in first. He walks in slowly, gaping at my house for what feels like the hundredth time. And I take a long look at him like this.

Child like wonder shining in his eyes with as much brilliance as the sun. He turns slowly in a circle while he cranes his neck to stare up at the high ceilings and in the moment he looks more beautiful than I remember. And it wasn’t just the new clothes that fit him perfectly or how his mouth was slightly open from the same awe I’ve seen before. He was beautiful because I could tell he was stalling, I could see that he was nervous to be alone with me even though we’ve been alone a million times before. He was beautiful for the way he was still always shocked that, yes, I live in this house. He was beautiful because no matter how hard he tried to look fancy and well put together, he always came off as messy. Most likely because he refuses to try and comb down his hair. He was beautiful because I loved him with every single fucking inch of me.

Closing the door softly behind me, I drop his bag and walk over to him. The floorboards creak slowly beneath each footstep and he freezes when I stand in-front of him. He stares up at me with his big brown eyes, and I see the slight circles below his eyelids and the crease between his eyebrows. Slight imperfections that seemed so perfectly modeled onto his face so that I couldn’t even see them as anything but masterpieces. I bring one hand up and cup his face and he leans into my palm as I run my thumb over his cheek in a soft motion.

“Shoyou.” I whisper and I lean closer to his face and my mind replays every single kiss and touch. Every moment I have been replaying for months and months trying to hold onto the emotion that I feel whenever I’m in his presence. I remember our first kiss just as well as I remember the first time we locked eyes, hell I even remember the first words he ever said to me. 

I stop inches from his lips and stare once again into his browns eyes that are almost golden beneath me. And I feel his heartbeat and hear his heavy breathing on my chest and I remember this moment for when he’ll have to leave and I’ll be alone again. I stare at him and take him in and finally when I touch lips with his, I give myself away to him for the hundredth time.

The kiss starts out soft and slow like it usually does, then I can feel him become more greedy. He pushes against in my body, grabbing my shoulder and opening his mouth wider. My own tongue enters his mouth and massages his mouth and slips over and under his own tongue. I put one hand in his hair and one on the small of his back, trying desperately to pull him closer to me. He starts to move his body slowly against mine and I respond with a loan moan from the back of my throat. It gets lost in his own throat and I feel him getting hard against my thigh, and my body responds as well with an erection. We pull away quickly, both of us breathing heavily.

“Bedroom,” Shoyou says with a raspy voice and grabs my hand and pulls me down the hall into my room. I laugh slightly as I turn my back to the bed.

“Couldn’t keep your hands off of me huh?” A small smirk graces my lips.

“Shut up,” he says quickly and pushes me onto the bed. I land on my back with a ‘whah’ but he entraps my mouth in another kiss and I respond happily. He staples my lap as I hold my self up with my elbows. He breaks the kiss and begins to attack my neck. Slowly sucking and tongue swirling against my skin as he begins to unbutton my shirt, and I do the same to him. Slightly slower though do to the fact that I’m being overly pleasured and filled with the feeling I haven’t felt since we last did this.

Our shirts come off and the next thing I know he’s kissing down my collar bone to my chest and down further to my naval and then right about the pant line. He pauses and continues to pamper me with kisses as he unzips my pants. He pulls down my jeans and boxers all in one, his fingers grazing against the skin of my hip. I kick them off my ankles and watch hungrily as he takes me into his mouth.

“Fuck, Shoyou,” I moan his names as he sucks on me. His head bobs up and down as his tongue raps around me and runs over my tip then down my shaft. My breathing starts to get heavier as I watch him. He look up at me through his long eyelashes and I just about lose it. I groan and flip us over so that I hover above him. “I don’t wanna cum like that,” I say as I remove his pants and grab a condom and lube from the bedside table. I lean down to kiss him as I roll on the condom and apply some of the lube. I enter one finger into him slowly and exit slowly. After a second I add another, then another. When he moans, I take it as my cue to begin.

“Alright I’m going to go ahead, okay?” He nods his head because I don’t think he can speak at the moment. I lay a single kiss on the tip of his nose as I enter him. I let out a sigh that lifts all the tension from these past months and blows them away. I keep as steady pace and look down at him. His face was red and he was panting heavily beneath me, his eyes were screwed close. “Shoyou, open your eyes,” he did slowly and I might have came undone right there. He was looking at me with stars in his eyes. And I kiss him deeply again.

I enter him deeper and when he gasps I know I found his prostate. I start to move faster and faster until we both come undone with each others names on our lips. Afterwards we both lay beneath my sheet, I hugged him from behind while he slept and I ran my fingers through his hair and I feel like I was transported into another world. I can’t really explain what I love about him so much. But sometime you can’t explain what you see in a person. It’s just the way they take you to a place where no one else can.


	4. The Stories of Love and Defeat

Hinata’s POV

Hot.

This word was the only thing running through my head. My whole body felt groggy and stiff but mostly just….hot. My eyes opened slowly, almost glued shut from the sleep in the corner of my eyes. 

Unfamiliar.

That was the next word running circles in my head. Unfamiliar bed, unfamiliar floors and walls, unfamiliar light drifting in through the window. I feel a puff a warm air hit my neck and turning over slowly I saw a mop of blonde hair and a familiar face. Oh yeah, I was at Kenma’s place. In Tokyo. His eyes were closed softly and his lips were slightly parted. His hair was in his eyes slightly and he looked absolutely adorable. I move a strand of the hair behind his ear and he sighs quietly.

“Cute.” I laugh faintly and move to get out of the bed. I move his arms from around my waist then shimmy to the front of the bed. When I move to stand the bed creaks and Kenma stirs slightly, but stays asleep. I get up quickly and soundlessly l reach for a T-shirt lying on the floor. Throwing it on, I realize that it’s a little baggy and plain black. I shake my head and leave the room. I walk down the halls, running my hand over the grey walls, into the kitchen. I gape at it once again. Everything looked so new and fancy, it was all stainless steel and white marble. Basically imagine any rich person kitchen that lives in the city and it’s pretty close. I crane my neck to look at the ceilings. They’re so high. 

I walk over to his fridge and it opens without a sound. Looking inside, I see very little. Milk, a few eggs, some ham, and an onion. I chuckle to myself, he has mentioned that he usually just eats takeout, our not at all. Nevertheless, I crab the eggs, ham, and the onion. Putting them on the counter, I do a quick circle. Spices, spices, spices, he has to have some spices. Right? After opening almost every cabinet I finally find a little rack filled with a few selections. I grab the salt, pepper, and chili powder and move them over with the other things. And, lucky, a good size pan was hanging over the stove.

I cut the ham and onions, the later with some difficulty, and transfer them together into a bowl. I sprinkle them with the spices together. I turn on the stove and crack the eggs in the pan, then I add the other ingredients and start stirring with a spatula. It’s oddly relaxing and I end up humming a little tune as my mind drifts.

I remember the first time I came here. It was right after me and Kenma got together. It was around new years and we were gonna go to the festival and watch the sunrise. That was also the trip I had lost my virginity. We had went to the festival and watched the sunrise. Later when we got back, we stayed up and just talked and talked. And then we ended up kissing and it started to move faster. We had done other things, the things you should do before such a big step, but it was a new concept for the both of us.

We didn’t have to talk about who was top or bottom, it was just simultaneously agreed in some secret language we made with our eyes. We had guided each other through each step and it was nowhere from smooth. But I honestly wouldn’t take it back. It was magical in it’s own fumbling, embarrassing way. With teeth knocking into each other and extremely uncomfortable positions, it was all new and welcome with its strange form of love. A declaration of feelings that was strangely anticlimactic in some ways.

I was smiling to myself when I felt arms wrap around my waist and a chin rest on my shoulder.

“I didn’t here you get up,” Kenma said with a ruff voice still thick with sleep.

“I didn’t wanna wake you up,” I smiled softly,”You looked relaxed.” He groaned into my shoulder.

“What’re you making?”

“Oh you know, a mixture of chemicals so I can assassinate you.”

“How could you,” He scoffs in fake surprise.

“Eggs. I’m making eggs with ham and onion because that all you had.”

“Well,” his hand run under the hem of my shirt onto my belly,”I can think of something that looks way better than eggs.”

I laughed,” Was that supposed to seduce me?”

“Shut up,” he says and pulls down the collar of my shirt. He bites my shoulder, hard. I wince slightly though gritted teeth and drop the spatula. It clangs to the white tiled floor as he continues to kiss my should and neck. He pulls my back closer into him and I lean my head farther so he has better access. I start to move my butt into his pelvis slowly as he pampers me with kisses. My breathing becomes heavier and hot as I start to become aroused. His hand slowly falls down my stomach, rubbing circles on my skin, till they’re hovering right over the fronts of my boxers. With another, softer, bite on my neck he began to massage me through the fabric of my boxers with one hand and move the other up to stimulate my nipples. And with him kissing my neck and playing with me, it wasn’t long before I came. 

With my long moan, he kissed my neck one last time before pulling away and saying,”is something burning,” as he sniffs the air.

I hear him through my haze of ecstasy and jump to attention,”Shit my eggs.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Kenma’s POV

 

“You now I blame you.” Shoyou says as he scrapes the burnt breakfast from the pan into the sink. His hair was sticking up in every direction, a lot more than usual, and he looked incredibly cute in my shirt. It hovered right over the tops of his thighs and made him seem way smaller than he actually was.

I shrug,”I’m sorry but what would you do if I was making you breakfast in one of your shirts that made me look like a little kitten.” I state as I walk over to my phone on the dining table.

“Okay if that is what you do with kittens, remind me never to get you a cat,” he laughs loudly as he continues to scrub the pan.

“Oh haha. You’re soooo clever.” I say putting the phone up to my ear.

“What are you doing?” Shoyou asks, wiping his hand with a hand towel beside the sink.

“I’m calling this cafe to get a reservation.” Oh my god, I have to call them. Something about talking on the phone makes me very anxious and I start to become just that.

“A cafe takes reservations?” He looks extremely amused and baffled. He laughs softly and the voice calms me slightly.

“This one does. It is very….high in demand.” Just then a lady picks up on the other end. I ask quietly for a table, my voice breaking slightly. There where no tables open now but one was open for brunch at noon, I reserved it as I hung up quickly. God I hate talking on the phone. I sigh a take long breaths, calming down. I close my eyes and just stand still for a second. In a few seconds I feel hands around my hips and a head resting on my chest.

“Everything okay?” His voice was muffled by the shirt. I open my eyes and see his orange mop of hair, I smile softly and run my fingers through his hair before hugging him back.

“Yah I’m fine.”

“We don’t have to go anywhere today if you don’t want to.”

“No,” I say quickly,”I want to go and you know, uh, show you off I guess.”

He pulls away and has a tight smile on his face from trying not to laugh. “Show me off?” 

I roll my eyes and look at the clock over the wall. 10 A.M.,”come on we should go get dressed. We can stop by a few stores if you want?”

“Sounds like fun,” he beams up at me and leaves to the bedroom. My heart skips at beat at this amazing, beautiful, extremely wonderful person I have found in my company. I was fine going out as long as he was there. Sure I didn’t like crowds, or people, and that I would much rather stay home. But when I first met him, I thought he might be something that I was going to call home. And I was right. When I saw him, months of anxiety lifted off my shoulders and I could breath again.

God was I glad to be home.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Kageyama’s POV

 

It was never enough. No matter how many miles I ran. No matter how many times I served and felt the sting on my palm. No matter how many times my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. It was never enough. It was suffocating, how nothing could make me forget him. He was like a leech stuck onto the back of mind, sucking the very life out of me. It was complete and utter hell and there was absolutely no way to escape.

Well, there was one way.

The smoke left my lungs in a puff of grey and death. As I took another hit I could feel the warmth spreading through my body and stealing my attention for one second. I didn’t believe in alcohol, I’d rather rot my lungs than my liver. Plus I don’t like what alcohol does to a person, it makes them completely stupid and childish.

It was currently 2 in the morning and I have once again lit up a cigarette instead of tossing around in my bed. Sleep was now an uncommon thing that, when it came, consisted of fucked up dreams that later clouded my thoughts for days to come. Those dreams made me stay up late. The circumstances of these dreams, I’d rather not think about at the moment. Due to the fact that, for once, I don’t feel like complete and utter shit.

The cool air circled through the open window and made me shake harder. These days I’m always cold. It’s most likely from the lack of eating, and sleeping. I let out a long breath filled with smoke and stress. The moon was bigger than usual, but further examination proved that the stars were hiding. Lately they have been dull though and I wasn’t really expecting a bright sky, it didn’t feel like that kind of night. It felt like more of a, ‘I wonder what it would be like if I died.’

Remember when I said that I didn’t feel like complete shit. That’s true, I’m only half as shitty as usual. You wouldn’t want to see me as full capacity.

The whole reasoning behind is simple and can be found just by looking at who I look at the most. Who my eyes glance to when no one is watching. Whos name is foreign and yet feel so good on my tongue. The person that is untouchable and yet I long to touch. I mean, not only is he a fucking idiot, he’s fucking taken.

Sometimes someone comes into your life and changes everything. Raises the standards, makes you laugh, and make you feel like you. There is something about him that you can’t put into words and even though you’re not with him, you don’t want to let him go.

Or. 

You meet someone that changes everything. But this someone makes you feel terrible because he doesn’t even look at you with the same loving gaze as you so often look at him with. And he makes you cry more than laugh because you’re not the one he’s telling his corny jokes too. And he makes you feel like a stranger in your body because your whole life is centered on him so you don’t even care about yourself. And you can’t put it into any words because he steals them and refuses to give them back. And you wish that you could just let go because you’re so done with this gaping hole in your chest, but you can’t because he owns you. Even if he doesn’t know it. You’re to focused on his goddamn grass to even notice if yours was getting any greener.

Tell me, which one do you think I am.

I put out the cigarette on the side of the house and flick it out the window. I close the window and rush to my blanket in a hurry, anything to get warm. Maybe I should go eat? If I do that though I won’t be able to stop. I’ll just keep eating and eating and eating until I feel worse than before. A vicious cycle of me feeling terrible, and then feeling worse. I shrug it off and reach for my phone. I open up my instagram and begin to scroll through the latest post. Mostly pictures of the team with their families, wearing Santa hats and smiling huge grins.

I didn’t mean to but my eyes grazed over his post. And once I saw it I couldn’t not stare. He looked happy, so fucking happy. His grin was so big and so bright that it almost blinded me. His hair was as messy as always and his clothes were wrinkled. He looked absolutely perfect and my heart broke again. There was only on problem, he was standing next to him. They were hugging and he was smiling down at him like he was his entire world. He didn’t even know. He didn’t know what it was like to make someone that center of your world. Your only point in living. He would never know, because he didn’t really care about him. But he still loved him.

He doesn’t know how I constantly thought of him. How I spent my nights thinking about how I could make him happy, the things I would do for him if he were mine. The ways I imagined holding him. The exact way i’d stroke his hair or kiss his skin. He doesn’t know how I constantly imagine my life with him loving me as much as I loved him. I would kill for him, and in a way I am. I’m slowing killing myself as I pine over a boy that won’t ever be mine because he didn’t fall for me first.

I refused to say either of their names, because it makes everything I already feel every day 10 times more real. 

I look at them together again and all I can say is,”La douleur exquise,” and then I fall asleep. For the first time 4 days, and once again I am greeted with every fucking demon living inside my piece of shit conscious.

____________________________________________________________________________  
____________________________________________________________________________

Kuroo’s POV

 

For some reasons I always wrote myself into the story. I would run the way it would happen, every single detail was made up in my mind so that I reached maximum capacity in happiness. In my fantasies everything was always perfect.

I mean, just think about it. The shy, anti-social, gamer boy falls for the tall, handsome, totally charming captain of a sports team. He would mutter words quietly in this captain’s direction and blush deep red at the slightest bit of affection.

It doesn’t matter how they get together. Sometimes it’s at a party, other times just in a library. The only thing that matters is that they meet and that the fall in love. The kiss when they realize how each others emotions is my favorite part. 

You see, I create these fantasies to better deal with the fact that they will never happen. Why? Well, it just so happens that this little gamer boy is in love with someone else and that someone else just happens to be one of the greatest people on the planet.

Hinata lights Kenma up and makes him something different and special. Sure Kenma is comfortable around me, but I never make him happy no matter what he’s doing or where he’s at. He could be in a room full of people while having a full blown panic attack and just the sound of Hinata’s laugh or the slight view of his orange hair would calm him down and make him smile slightly. That boy has so much love and affection for that little Shrimpy that he can’t ever get him out of his head. He’s always texting him, always talking about him, and probably always thinking about him.

“C’mon Kuroo, let’s go for round two,” Shelby says from beside me on the bed. She rubs her hand along my chest and plays with the hair behind my ears.

I let out a long sigh,”I’m not really in the mood.”

She narrows her eyes and stare deeply into my own browns orbs. I lean back slightly with my brow furrowed. She stares for a few seconds and then says,”what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I lie.

She smiles knowingly,”Is it about Kenma again?” I freeze up slightly. She take notice and massages my bicep until I relax again. “Do you wanna talk?” She states and continue to rub my arm.

I raise up and rest my elbows on my knees,” It really hurts sometimes, it’s as if you watch everything pass by in front of your eyes and you’re paralysed from your feet to the tips of your fingers,” I run my hand through my hair and continue,” It’s as if you’re allowed to feel every emotion that stands on earth but you aren’t allowed to do anything about feeling this way at all.” I explained and whimpered slightly at the agonising pain my chest and sighed.

Shelby stared at me as she spoke,” you can do something about it, every pain is questionable and every question has an answer.”

I gazed up at her,”Not this pain, no. I cannot question neither can I get an answer to this pain because it’s a pain no one understands. It’s within, it’s happening to you and you don’t do anything to destroy it because your pain is their happiness. So you sit and you watch and you survive because sometimes the people you love hurt you for their own selves but that doesn’t give you the right to destroy them. If you love them enough you allow them to destroy you. That’s how it works, if you want something that doesn’t want you. You let it be and you let it destroy you.” I wiped tears from my sleepless eyes and laid back, staring up into space.

Shelby stands up from the bed and bends over to retrieve her clothes. I see her ass from the corner of my eye but don’t pay any attention. She pulls her shirt over head and says,”You know Kuroo, every time we have this conversation we both end up basically saying the exact thing.” She runs her hand through her hair and sighs,”Every single time you complain about the fact that you can’t have him because he’s in love with someone else. And everytime I tell you that that doesn’t matter. He wasn’t always in love, you fall in love Kuroo. He could fall in love you with you too.”

She kisses me on the cheek as she grabs her purse from the foot of the bed,”But it won’t ever happen if you don’t do anything. So even though I tell you this every single time, I’m gonna tell you again,” she smiles softly,”If you want him, go get him.”She walks to the door and slips on her shoes.

“I love you Shelbs.” I say softly.

She turns around and smile again,”I love you to Kuroo. Don’t forget that I’m here, you don’t need to go spiraling into depression again,” she smirks,” it took me enough time last time to drag you out.”

I lay back down onto the bed and cover my eyes with my forearm,”See you at school Shelbs.”

“See you K.” She closes the door softly behind her and I’m left alone. And even though I promised myself and Shelby that I wouldn’t, I slid softly in my sadness and it wasn’t long before chokes and sobs shook the room. 

The tears rolled down my face fast and hot. I cried for what felt like hours upon hours. I mourned my unrequited love again for the millionth time. It’s pathetic and sickening but the tears are welcome. For so long they have been the only thing that relieves the pain.

Of all people my heart could have chosen, it decided on a boy who didn’t have enough room in his own heart to love someone like me. For so long I had waited. I waited and waited. For minutes. For hours. For days. In the beginning I thought we could have been something. I wondered what the words ‘I love you’ sounded like when they came out of your mouth. Although, of course I will never get the chance to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo and Shebly's relationship is completely platonic. They love each other in a friend way.


	5. Sweet Words and Sharp Pain

Kenma’s POV

 

The definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection. It’s synonyms are fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment, and many more. Although all these things describe the feeling quite well, it is intensely understated.

My definition of love can be described by one person. And though that might sound incredibly cheesy and stupid to many people that find the emotion to be overall, well, cheesy and stupid. But I’m serious. I could not describe love, or even think about it, without immediately going to Shoyou.

When your heart beats faster at just the thought of the other person, even after being together for forever. Seeing something they care about and smiling to yourself. Dreaming about them, not just sexual dreams either. Dreams where you’re just holding them, sitting next to them, even holding their hand. Sometimes I had a dream where he was just playing volleyball. Everything he is is what I love. He’s perfect.

So that’s why I’m pretty sure our waiter won’t stop staring at him.

The cafe was busier than either of us had thought at first. After being taken to a table for two near a window, that we could watch the people walking up and down the street, our waiter turned out to be an extremely attractive 20 year old with an extreme infatuation with my boyfriend’s crotch. And don’t even get me started on the stupid pet names he’s been using.

“Do you want those eggs sunny side up, sugar?” His stupid blue eyes are narrowed slightly like he’s trying to figure out Shoyou. And he once again runs his stupid fingers through his stupid black hair.

“Yeah, that’s fine thanks.” Shoyou says this and hands his menu to the waiter and he purposely touches my beautiful god with his ridiculously long fingers. Like, who are you E.T.. He fucking smirk and runs off to put the order in. 

I puff air out of my mouth and shrink down in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest I glare out the window. “He sure is trying hard.” I say this with extreme sarcasm, even though I’m not being sarcastic.

“Yah but it’s not working very well,” Shoyou smiled brightly at me, “I’m not into blue eyes anyway.” I relax slightly and look up at him.

“Really?” I ask quietly.

“Yah, but did you see his butt I mean-.”

“Ok ok. Stop I get it,” I put a hand over his mouth and feel him chuckle. He removes it and kisses my palm.

“You need to stop worrying so much,” he intertwines our fingers and rests them on the table,”I’m not into anyone but you. Plus I would never cheat on you, I trust you. Don’t you trust me?” His eyes are widened in a stupid exaggerated way and his bottom lip is pushed out into a pout. He always uses that sam argument and that same face when this happens.

And it had its intended effect. I smile and shake my head, I lean over slightly and give him a peck on the forehead. “Of course I do you dork. It’s him I don’t trust.” 

“Sorry to break this to you Ken, but you’re not really that intimidating.”

“I am too.” I scoff playfully.

“On the court maybe. But off you’re just a little puff ball.”

“Only to you,” I mumble and look back out the window. He’s right of course. I’ve been described as closed off and shy enough times in my life to fill a novel. The only ones I really ever open up to are Kuroo and Shoyou. People are to hard to figure out, and that why I like Shoyou and Kurro, that never hide anything.

Looking back over to Shoyou, who’s drinking his orange juice and trying laugh about something on his phone at the same time. He ends up joking and having a coughing fit, while still laughing. And in the back of my head I see my dream. I see his tears. I see him getting farther and farther away. I hear his sobs and I feel them driving me insane because I know I caused all of it.

I trust you Shoyou.

It’s me I don’t trust.

 

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Kageyama’s POV

 

The cigarettes aren’t working. I’ve gone through half the pack and they aren’t working. My heart’s still beating to hard. My mind still has to many thoughts running around inside. It’s getting harder to breathe and I can’t tell if it’s because of the smoke or because I just don’t want to breathe anymore.

I run to bathroom, thinking maybe if just splash some cold water on my face I can get ready for practice. The cold water feels great against my sweaty face but doesn’t help my panicking state. I throw open the medicine cabinet and start looking for something that might calm me down. I knock over a clear container and spill its substance all over the floor.

“Shit.” I mumble under my breath and bend down to pick up the mess. Instead I end up poking my finger,”ow,” I hiss and run to the sink. I run water over my bleeding finger and pick up the thing that had hurt me. 

A silver razor blade sits in my hand, the edge is slightly red from my blood. I look at my finger and realize. I didn’t feel anything but the pain when I was cut. I bring the razor blade up to my wrist and slash quickly. I hiss under the pain again and sigh when the water washes it away. A high lasts for a few seconds and then it’s gone and is replaced again with my panic and worry.

So I do it again and again and again and again. Until my left wrist in covered in cuts and blood. The relief that runs through my body is unreal. I then hear the clock chime, reminding me that I have 30 minutes to get dressed and get to practice.

Quickly I wrap the wounds and slide wrist length elbow pads onto my arms. The tight fabric bothers my cuts slightly but it’s better than worrying the whole team. Throwing on shorts and a t-shirt I grab my bag and head out the door.

I light another cigarette and, miraculously, it works as it supposed to. In a matter of seconds I am calm again. And actually happy. I’ve found something that makes me forget. Something that actually makes sense. It seems to be the only thing that makes sense anymore.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hinata’s POV

 

“Sho will you calm down please,” Kenma put his hands on my shoulder with a slight chuckle,”It’s just volleyball practice.” And at the mention of volleyball I am once an excited, bubbling mess. There is a major spring in my step, so much so I’m almost skipping.

“Sorry Ken, it’s just it’s been soooo long.” I say with a smile and an exaggerated voice. It had really only been a few days, but still. When Kenma told me that he had practice today, I basically flew out of bed and had my clothes on before he even processed the mistake he just made.

My enthusiasm was met with soft chuckles and Kenma informing that it was till 3. Making me become bummed and sad. Causing Kenma to find ways to cheer me up. He tried tickling me but he was met with harsh laughter and a glare afterwards. Then he tried being sexy but he couldn’t be sexy even if he tried. After his second fail he collapsed on the pillow and started to kiss my neck. He made the most ridiculous smacking sound every time he pulled away that I ended up a giggling mess.

After that we ended up cuddling and watching Friends until the clock said 2:30. 

The walk to the gym from Kenma’s place was a short distance and it only took about 10 minutes to get there. The streets of Tokyo were wild and crazy and I never wanted to leave. For some reason this street was crowded with carts full of fake gold watches and necklaces and earrings and any strange thing you could imagine.

More than once Ken had to force me to keep walking. I stopped at a caricature cart at least twice and a temporary tattoo place more times than I’d like to admit. There were vendors shouting prices and deals at you from every corner. Kenma said this part of town was more of a tourist place than anything.

The best part was that I held Kenma’s hand the whole way. I held his hand and kissed him and hugged him so many times just because I could. He was so close and it was just so easy to get on my tip toes and kiss his cheek. And it was so comforting to be able to take his hand when I sensed him tensing up from all the people. I knew he usually took a different route, one with less people, to get to the gym. I knew he took me this way because he knew how much I would love it. And I did. But I loved him for it more.

The crowds were thinning significantly as we neared the gym and I could feel Kenma’s grip on my hand relax with each step. We could see the roof of the gym over the other building and I just wanted to start sprinting to my beloved volleyball. I wanted desperately to feel the sting of the ball on my palm. To fly through the air and recieve and block and fall and jump. But I stopped.

Ken ended up walking past me and getting pulled back when I didn’t move,” Come on Shoyou. We’re gonna be late if we don’t hurry. I pulled him closer to me and wrapped my arms around his neck. And his hand reflexively went to hug my waist. We stayed like that for a few seconds before I got the nerve up to speak

“Thank you,” Kenma opened his mouth to speak but I interrupted him,”No. Let me finish.” I say and pull him closer. “ You do so much for me even though you might not realize it. You help me pay to come and see you. You accept that volleyball is my first love, even though that’s changing every second I’m with you. You take me through all the crowded places because you know I love people.”

I push some hair behind his ear and continue,” It’s crazy because I don’t even know when you became so important to me. It’s like watching a snowstorm. You see the flakes falling, but you don’t realize how they’re adding up. Then suddenly, your whole lawn is covered. All these little things have added up, and you’re my snowstorm, baby,”I can feel my throat hitch softly and I feel tears welling up in my eyes and I can see Kenma trying to get ahold of his own emotions. I just let the tears fall and continue in happy sobs,” God Ken. I love you so much. Sometimes it just hurts because I don’t get to be around you as much I want to be. As much as I need to be. It’s excruciating. But oh my god I love it. I love you.” I end with another sob.

He doesn’t speak for a minute. Instead he wipes the tears from my cheeks and smiles a watery smile as he takes a deep breath. “I love you to Shoyou. And when I tell you I love you. I don’t just say it out of habit or because I want you to say it back. I say it to remind you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m was nothing before you. Hell, I still am nothing. You make me want to be something though. I want to be good enough for you but...that is seeming more impossible every day I with you. Every day I see how amazing you are.”

I speak again softly,” Listen to me Ken. I want to tell you that you are not a glass half empty. You are not a teaspoon of bitterness. You are not a third of disappointment, and you are not a part vessel,” I pull him in a hug and whisper in his ear,” For you are whole utterly, and complete. You are perfect. Because you are you. And that’s all I need.”

“Don’t leave.” He whispers and hugs me closer to him.

“I won’t. As long as you love me and I can trust you. I promise I won’t ever leave.” I put as much love and caring in my voice I can. In hopes he won’t leave either.

I don’t know how long we stand there and just...hold each other like that. We both needed it though. We both needed the reassurance that these months apart hadn’t changed us or the way we feel for each other. We both needed the comfort of each other’s heartbeat and smell. We both need to hear those ‘I love yous’ again because, damn, it feels so good.

The sex and kisses wasn’t enough. That was just our bodies doing what we are all programed to do. We needed to give each other our souls again because, whether we like it or not, they change. We’ve been changed from not being with our person. From some losses and from sexaul and mental frustration. We’ve figured things out about ourselves that we had a hard time embracing. And we even dealt with some demons and hid from some others. We needed to be one person for a minute.

I hear a soft buzzing from Kenma’s back pocket. We pull away slightly as he says in a small voice,”It’s probably Kurro telling us to get our asses to practice,” we both chuckle lightly and pull away a little more.

“So does that mean we have to go?” I say in a barely there whisper.

“Are you telling me that Hinata Shoyou, the little puffball of volleyball and anger, doesn’t want to get on the courts as soon as possible?!” He gives me a fake shocked face and I playfully punch him in the air in fake anger before I grab his hand and start pulling him down the street.

He chuckle behind me before falling into pace with me. There is so much I still want to say but for now I can just put all my feelings into volleyball and hope to God he doesn’t see how much I really feel. I look at him through the corner of my eye and fall in love with him all over again.

Please don’t break my heart, Ken. I can handle anything else in the world. I can handle anyone else breaking my heart. But not you. If I lost you I’m sure that I’d die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was late. Next chapter will be on Tuesday.


	6. The Realization

Hinata’s POV

 

Oh God, how I’ve missed this. The sweet relief of built up adrenaline as I run and jump. Putting my arms behind me, they stretch like wings and move to strike the ball with as much power as I can muster. I seem to sit in the air for forever after my hand’s hit the ball and I see the world laid out before me. But all too soon I hit the ground and stagger, already drunk off of the feeling of soaring. It can be the most addicting thing in the world and it’s an addiction that I accept with open arms. Because the way it makes you feel like you're the tallest person in the world. Like everyone and everything here is made for you. Like wherever you go, you are accepted and loved.

I hear the ball hit the other side of the court with a loud smack. I hear the cheers of joy from my side and smile the biggest smile I can muster. The ‘I win’ grin is still one of my favorite. It hangs like a trophy over the fireplace in my mind. I wince as a large hand smacks my back,”Great job Shrimpy!” I look up to see a disheveled Kuroo with messy hair and a face gleaming with sweat,”I’ve missed your inhuman jump.” Nothing feels as good as volleyball. Nothing, better than the sting in your palm or the exhilaration when you realize you won or the gratitude from your teammates. There’s nothing better than being in the air, seeing the world laid out in front of you like a map. 

I feel a shoulder nudge me and turn my head to see Kenma smiling quietly, just for me and him. An us smile. “Good job Shoyou.” He says and squeezes my hand before returning to his spot. His hair is slightly messier than when we started and his brow is covered in a light layer of sweat. I can smell him and he smells like he always does after sex or a heavy make out session. I feel my temperature rising and can sense my face going red. I don’t look at Kenma even though his face probably mirrors mine. He’s always told me that he loves it when I jump. That it’s one of the things that makes him see that I’m much more perfect than I could ever lead on to be. I’m soaring again. I’m all goofy smiles and stupid laughter for no reason. My head gets so far out of the game and is replaced by the way Kenma lives.

I watch him breathe. I notice once again how his arms stretch elegantly above his head. I see the tiny nod he gives himself as his team makes a point based on his set. And the all too familiar shiver runs down my spine as I take in his ever calculating eyes. The way they narrow and expand with each move. Like they’re reading your soul and are able to predict exactly what you’ll do next. Even what you’re contemplating doing. I see the way his hair moves as he turns his head. I can sense that at this moment he is ever-present and yet off in his own world. I see tiny puffs of air leave his lips and I desperately want to swallow them whole.

Let’s just say that I took enough balls to the face and fell enough times to sorta shake the feeling. But the only thing that feels better than volleyball is Kenma. Not just his hands but the way he smiles and the way he speaks and moves and just how he fucking breathes leaves me in shivers. 

I shake my head and let out a long breath of air. I’m becoming too dependent. I’m starting to crave him like he is a freaking drug. I slobber after my boyfriend like some dog in heat. I don’t even think about us being apart, it’s starting to make me physically sick. I’ll start to shake and tears will threaten to spill from eyes. Kinda like when you think about your mother or best friend dying. I need to stop. I need to get control. I need to learn that Kenma is just my boyfriend and that it probably won’t work out in the end. 

But what if it does?

It won’t. You need to forget about that and just live in the moment.

But what if you and he turned out to be each others soul mates?

We won’t.

But-.

No. This is not how it works.

I shake my head again and smile. Right now I’m happy, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. No matter the future. I’m happy. I love Kenma and he loves me. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me and I’m going to enjoy what we have for as long as I can. Because what we have is so special. It’s a way of life. It’s a religion that I would make human sacrifices too.

And I’ll push that nagging feeling that those eyes could easily just steal me from myself and run away into someone else. I’ll push it deep down. I’ll push down the jealousy that burns the back of my throat when I see the way Kuroo looks at Kenma. I’ll push down the tears in the back of my eyes because I love him and for some reason, I don’t trust him as much as I should.

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Kuroo’s POV

 

Even though I don’t act any different. Even though I’m smiling and joking around and playing like everything is normal. Even though I’m trying my best to put off the airs that I’m fine and I don’t need any help because I am and I don’t. Even though I’m doing so much to avoid confrontation, I can still feel Kenma’s eyes on my back. Analyzing me and my every fucking movement. 

To make it worse, I feel Shrimpy's eyes on me too. And I don’t really feel like pissing that little guy off. But I can’t help but stare at every move Kenma makes. Used to I could write it off as just trying to break down his game and critique it. Used to I could stare at him as much as I wanted and it wouldn’t make a difference. The team was too stupid to notice that that wasn’t the case. By Hinata wasn’t. He knew that the way I looked at Kenma was different than the way I looked at the other teammates. Because I looked at Kenma the same way Hinata did. 

Full of love.

Just make it through practice, I tell myself. Just make it through this and get out of here as fast as you can. Run home and either sleep, cry, or rant to Shelby. Either way, you’ll be good by 8. Then you can eat whip cream and watch Seinfeld until the sun comes up. You’ll be good. Just make it through practice. Just make it.

That was the rules I set in my mind but it didn’t really work out that way. As soon as the clock portrayed the time to leave, I was out of there. I ran as quickly as I could to the locker rooms without looking suspicious. I dressed in a slightly quickened manner than usual and didn’t stick around to joke and hang with the rest of the team.

When I shut the door I let out a sigh of relief. A big, exaggerated one that sounded so stupid I almost cringed. I thought, ‘I did it, I’m good for another day, just one more day.’

“Spit it out.” I hear a voice say from beside me and I visibly jump out of my skin but a quick glance proves that it’s just Kenma….Great. Just what I need. But I take the chance to study his face again for the millionth time. Big brown eyes that I could swim in. Cheekbones and chubby cheeks that make my heart melt. And the constant wrinkle between his eyebrows that I want to rub away.

“What’re you talking about?” I say and pull my bag over my shoulder and start to walk down the hall. Gotta get away.

“Yes you do, don’t pretend,” He walks right on my heels and doesn’t let up when I don’t respond,”Your game was way off. You have bags under your eyes. And you basically reek of despair and whip cream, which I know for a fact is your comfort food.” Fuck him for knowing me so well. I can’t even mourn in peace.

He grabs one of my shoulders and I spin to look at him. His eyes held nothing but worry for me and for some reason that just makes me angrier. Who is he to worry about me?! Why does he get to act all grown up and mature?! Why in the hell does he get to analyze me all practice and then interrogate me?! I’m seething and seeing red as I open my mouth to see.

“Well exCUSE ME IF I HAD A BAD WEEK,” I shout at him and he doesn’t flinch. Fucking prick. “I'M SORRY THAT I CAN’T BE MISTER CONFIDENT 24/7!”

“Kuroo-” He started but I interrupt him. I don’t want to hear what he has to fucking say. I don’t even want to be around him. Well, that might not be entirely true but if I can’t be with him that way I just won’t be around him at all.

“NO. NO,” I cross my arms and take a deep breath. “You,” I point a finger at his chest,”You do not get to act like you fucking care cause I know for a fact that you don’t.” I don’t know why I’m saying this. “Y’know we always have to worry about Kenma and his problems! Never mine!” I need to stop. “You don’t care about me. You only care about how I can make you feel better about yourself.” I don’t mean that, wait stop talking. “Stop dangling me on a fucking string that's wrapped around your pretty little perfect finger.” I stay long enough to see the to hurt flash in his eyes and then turn and run because I feel the tears burning the back of my eyes.

And I don’t want him to see them fall. And they do. In large hot balls of rage and sadness.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hinata’s POV

He left me. He told me he needed to talk to Kuroo and left me in the gym, alone. I smile and nodded like I understood but I wanted to scream at him to stay.

I’m paranoid and stupid.

He wouldn’t hurt me. I know he wouldn’t. And I repeated that to myself over and over again until he came back for me. And it worked, slightly. But then I saw the pain in his eyes and I knew I was fucked.

I loved him so much I didn’t trust him.

But I trusted him enough to give him everything I am.

I gave into the pain in his eyes because it was new and beautiful and I fell, again and again, every time he blinked. I wanted desperately to kiss him and forget that he left for a second. I wanted to look into his eyes for every emotion he ever felt. The new and old ones.

And I realized as he walked closer to me heaving heart that, even if he broke me, even if he tore me in two and refused to sew me up, even if he could give me nothing but his smile. I would never leave.

I realized with pain in my chest that I loved him way more than he loved me.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kenma’s POV

I don’t know what Kuroo meant that I didn’t care. I did care. He was one of my best friends and I cared. He was obviously disheveled and upset about something. We’ve talked about these things before. What was so bad that he could confess to me this time.  
I only thought about our encounter the whole way home. I replayed our conversation over and over in my head. I took it apart and put it back together again. In a hundred different ways until my head started to hurt and I desperately needed to sleep.

Sleep was the only thing on my mind as I walked through the door of my bedroom. Shoyou, on the other hand, had something very different in mind.

As soon as the door closed behind him he pushed me up against the wall. His tongue was down my throat and his hand pulling at my shirt before I could even form a coherent thought. I gasped but quickly melted into him. I let him rip my shirt off and then did the same to him.

He bit my bottom lip between his teeth and I moaned at the soft pain. He pulled slightly before he started to attack my neck. He licked along my jawline and the way his hot breath hit my skin sent shiver all throughout my body. His kisses traveled down to my collar bone, and his teeth grazed over the bone slowly and I moaned again. His hand were cold against my chest but warmed quickly as they started to roam and explore.

He started to kiss back up my neck and when my heavy breathing was covered by his red lips I realized he tasted desperate. Desperate and frantic and needing of reassurance. I know that Shoyou got jealous and usually just pushed it down until he could let it out in some other way. It was sex most of the time.

But by the way his hand shook slightly as he undid the button of my pants, I thought that this isn’t what he needed. I grabbed his hand and put them around my waist. I lifted his chin and kissed him softly, lips slightly parted and it left a sweet taste on my tongue. I moved my hands to his face and cupped his cheek with the palm of my hand. He leaned into it and breathed in, long and deep.

He left a kiss on my palm and looked back up at me. I smiled at him softly.

“How do you do that,” He asks? Barely a whisper.

“Do what,” I respond. Just as quiet.

“How do you manage to know exactly what I need, even when I don’t?”

“Because I want to give you everything you’ll ever need and more.”

He pulls our chest together and we sway softly to soundless music.”Do you wanna talk about it?” I ask carefully.

“It doesn’t matter,” He says to me and then quieter to himself,”I have you, that’s all that matters.” I don’t think I was supposed to hear that, but I did. And I definitely heard the way he said ‘I’, like he was trying to reassure himself.

I heard it. But I pretended to not to. Instead, I just breathed in the scent of his hair and loved him with all I am.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kageyama’s POV

 

My new shoulder pads annoyed the shit out of the scars. The fabric stretched from my wrist to bottom of my armpit. I’ve had these buried deep inside my bag for ages and just never thought they were important till now. Too much fabric, I remember thinking. Little did I know that at one point I would welcome extra amounts of fabric with open arms.

I rub my wrist as another shiver runs down my spine. I was deathly cold even though I was working my butt off. Serving over and over again. My vision was slightly blurry so that I kept missing my target.

“C’mon Kageyama! What are you? Blind?!” I hear Coach Ukai yell from the side of the court. I take a deep breath and walk back over the end of the court. Turning to face the net I’m hit with a wave of dizziness. I grab my head and stand still until it passes. I know I should probably stop, but I have to get this right. I did this to myself and I wasn’t gonna let that stand in the way.

I throw the ball up. Perfect. I start to run. Perfect. I go to jump when suddenly another wave of dizziness washes over me and my feet falter. My fingers barely graze the ball and I land on my face in front of everyone.

I lay there. I can’t move. The world is spinning and blood is pounding in my ears so loud that I can barely hear the footsteps of the rest of the team rushing over to me. “Kageyama, are you alright!” I hear Suga say from beside me. I turn my head to look at him and suddenly feel very sick.  
Nausea rises up from the pit of my stomach all the way to the back of my throat. But nothing comes out, there is no food in my stomach to expel. No water either. So I’m met with dry heaving that feels as if someone is punching me repeatedly in the stomach. It passes quickly but the world still spins. I try to move to sit back on my knees but my body won’t allow me to move.

I feel the back of a hand touch my forehead. “He’s burning up,” someone says from beside me. “Kageyama, when’s the last time you ate?” I freeze up and don’t answer right away. What am I gonna do? If they realized I haven’t had a real meal in a week they won’t let me play.

“Uh,” it takes so much thought to even speak,”I don’t know. Since yesterday morning.” I finally manage to move to sit on my knees and try to focus as hard as I can on the spot between Suga’s eyebrows.

“Kageyama, you need to eat.” The worry on his face and the way he furrows his eyebrows sends waves of guilt over me.

“I know I know. I’ve just been really busy,” it was only a half lie. I was busy smoking and cutting. Dreaming about how my life could be better if only I got what I desperately needed. Wondering how in hell I became so fucked up. I’ve been busy staring at my ceiling at 3 in the morning wondering what he’s doing and how I’m worthless and useless.

The whole team looks at me with a shadow of worry as I move to stand up. It takes me a second but finally, I’m able to stand and not sway to the strange tilting of the world in front of me. “I think you should head home.”

“What.” I whip around to view Daichi standing next to Suga and falter for a second,”No no no. I’m fine.”

“Your skin feels like a furnace! You need to go home!” Suga yells at me.

“Go home, Kageyama,” I look at Daichi as he speaks,”Get some rest, eat some food, drink some water.” I nod my head and move to exit the gym. When I’m outside I let myself lean against the wall.

“Kageyama, wait!” I turn to see Suga again, “Please eat this for me,” he hands me a granola bar. I take it and unzip my bag,”No!” I stop suddenly,”Eat it now, please. In front of me.” Terror runs through my body. But still, I break the wrapper. My mind is swarming with thoughts. But still, I take a bite. My mind is screaming that he’ll never love me if I’m fat. But still, I chew. Tears are threatening to spill from my eyes and burn my cheeks with permanent scars so the world will know what a failure I am. But still, I swallow. And it’s dry and tasteless as it rolls down my throat.

And I do this again and again and again until I finish the granola bar. I look to Suga and smile a ‘there I did it, are you happy now’ smile. But he doesn’t look happy, instead, his arms are crossed and he has a deep look of dissatisfied framing his features.

I turn and walk to my bike quickly. It hurts. My muscles. My throat. My head. My heart. It hurts because not matter what I do I’m never good enough. Something about me is always holding me back. 

 

I wanted to be all the things you loved. Yet sadly I am plagued with flaws, haunted by the thought that I never met up to your, or anyone's standards. I will never be good enough for you. I get that. 

You deserve the universe and I’m just a star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on schedule from now on! Every Tuesday!  
> This chapter pained me to write...


	7. New Colors

Hinata’s POV

 

Of course! Of course my phone would have to start ringing as soon as I started brushing my teeth. I let out a low groan and answered quickly. I Look over at Kenma quickly, who was still asleep, to see if he had been awoken from his slumber from my spiderman ringtone. His body was entangled in the covers in such a way that I’m pretty sure he won’t even be able to get out. His hair is laying flat across his eyes and every time he breathes out, he lets out a tiny ‘mweh’. Kinda like a cat.

I laugh slightly and bring the phone up to my ear,”Herro?” I say through a mouth full of toothpaste. I continue to brush as the person on the other end responds.

“Hinata, it’s Suga,” I spit into the sink as he speaks.

“Oh? What’s up?” I ask, curios why he’d be calling me at all. I rinse my mouth out quickly with water and then clean the tooth brush and put into the little tooth brush holder thingy.

“Well, it’s actually about Kageyama,” I tiptoe out of the room as quietly as I can. I’m surprised Kenma didn’t wake up right then and there at the mention of Kageyama. He’s made it known multiple times that he doesn’t like him, saying that it’s because he constantly flirts with me. Even though that’s far from true.

“Kageyama? What’s wrong? Is he giving somebody a hard time?” I state before opening the fridge and glancing over it before coming to the realization that Kenma has absolutely nothing….again.

“No. No, he’s not hurting anyone.”

I furrow my brows,”Well then, what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know for sure,” I scoff silently,”but last night at practice he was so weak. He also wore these really long elbow pads that covered his wrist.” I can hear Suga start to freak out about the fact that Kageyama might be going through something.

“Suga, calm down,” I lean on the counter,”he probably just didn’t get enough sleep the night before. And he’s been talking about how his mom got him some long elbow pads for ‘more protection’ or something.”  
“I could see his ribs through his shirt, Hinata,” I perk into attention, it was kinda hard to explain that. “He basically started gagging when I forced him to eat a granola bar.” It wasn’t possible. Kageyama was the most hard headed, stubborn man I’ve ever met...but he’d never hurt himself. He’d never ever starve himself on purpose. He would never do anything to possibly hurt his game. “I’m worried, Hinata. But he won’t talk to me. I was wondering if you could speak to him and see if you can figure out what’s going on?”

I run my fingers through my hair and let out an exasperated sigh,”I’ll try Suga. I promise I’ll try.”

“Thanks Hinata.” With that we say our goodbyes and I sit there for a minute. Staring off into space and thinking about the possibly that something might be going on with Kageyama. That he might be going through something with no one to help him through it. I rest my head in my hands and almost laugh at the thought. There’s no way. Absolutely no way that this is happening. He might be stupid but he’s strong. Way to strong to be thrown from and edge so suddenly. There’s no way.

I dive for my phone and dial his number as quickly as I can. Something big must be happening to make this happen. And my mind creates the worst scenarios and my heart hurts for my friend.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Kageyama’s POV

 

I’m in the middle of my last cigarette when I hear the phone start to ring. I was just going to continue to smoke by my window and ignore it, but then I heard the all too familiar tune to the old Spiderman TV show and I knew who it was.

For a minute, I just stared at the name that kept flashing across my screen.

Hinata. Hinata. Hinata.

I quickly take one more long puff of my cigarette before I flick it out the window. Why is he calling me? He never calls me unless he has a question about practice. Is this about practice? There’s no way, he’s in Tokyo. Is he missing me? No, no that can’t be..he has...him. Even with all these questions in my head and my heart beating at a million miles an hour I answer smoothly. “Hello.” Yes! Voice like silk and honey, you’re doing great. Keep it up.

“Hey, Kageyama.” At the sound of his voice as he said my name completely melted me and I sat down on my bed to keep from sighing in relief. It’s been so long since I heard him and felt it shake my body like an earthquake. Fuck...I miss him.

“Y-Yeah.” I stutter slightly but at least I got the word out. I’m surprised I’m still breathing, much less speaking.

“So...um, you see I-I got a- I got a call this m-morning and,” he’s so cute when he stutters and slips over his words, almost like he’s nervous. At that thought my heart skips a beat and hope spreads through my lungs like smoke. “Suga called me.” And just like that it’s gone. Fucking Suga and his need to be a mother over all of us. I’m just fine. I’m dealing with my problems in my own way.

“And?” I’m not gonna lie I’m slightly pissed.

“You know,” I do. But that doesn’t matter. “ I want you to talk to me.”

“And what we’re doing right now isn’t talking.” Fuuuccckkk! I feel like punching something. I’m looking around for something, anything, to break and scar and just plain destroy.

“Kags,” I freeze. His voice was so soft and quiet that it forced me to calm down,” Kags...I’m worried about you.” I can hear pain in his voice and it makes me feel so guiltily. I’ve cause the most amazing, beautiful person in the world to feel pain. And he should never feel anything but happiness and ecstasy. “Are you okay?”

Even though I thought, out of all the people in the world, I could never lie to Hinata. I did. I didn’t want to cause him more pain. I didn’t want to make him worry more than he already was. I wanted him to go back to being happy, even if it wasn’t me. I lied to him. “I’m fine.” And I said it with so much confidence that I almost believed it myself.

“Really?” His voice sounded better. Flooded with hope and relief.

“Really. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m fine. Great, actually.” When did lies get so easy to tell?

“Alright,” he says from the other end, “Suga just wanted me to ask you. You know that if you ever need anything you can just ask okay?” Really? Because I want you with me in a bed chain smoking cigarette after cigarette until our lungs are black. I want to be able to wear short sleeves in public again. I want to be able to hold your hand and walk down the street, smiling. I want to be on a team with you, a real one, where I don’t have to tiptoe around my emotions and instead just be with you. I just want you. With you all my problems would go away.

Of course I didn’t say this. Instead, I told him I would and hung up with a quick goodbye. And after, I just layed back on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling and watched as the fan spun around and around and around. I looked at the patterns of the ceiling and counted the ridges of each one. I thought about how good your voice sounded. I thought about how good another cigarette would taste. I thought about how good your lips would taste of the smoke intoxicated your mouth. And I wonder how to God I got myself in a situation where I loved someone with all my heart.

And how in hell they didn’t love me back.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Kenma’s POV

 

I know that eavesdropping is bad. I know it’s a sign of distrust if you do. I know that I don’t trust anyone more than I trust Shoyou. But I also know that everyone else in the world is a fucking pig that would jump at the opportunity to claim this angel as theirs.

I can’t help listening. And I can’t help being mad as hell at how Shoyou’s voice sound when he’s talking to Kageyama. Full of pain and sorrow and worry. Like he cares enough for his heart to actually hurt. I can’t help the way I see red and feel the need to march in there and demand answers while I break dishes. 

When I hear him say goodbye I think it’s safe to peek around the corner and his face fucking kills me. He’s leaning against the counter, propped up on his elbows, his hands running through his hair and over his eyes. His finger trails around the corner of his mouth and it makes me shudder. The whites of his eyes were almost red and his cheeks were flushed and it all accented his overly plump lips. My mind goes numb with the idea of his lips wrapped around me, his soft moans climbing up my spine and pushing me over. Complete putty.

Then all at once I’m thrown from my high horse and remember just who he was talking to. Kageyama. The very man I know, for a fact, has been pining after him for the last year. I felt anger start to boil over in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to go over there and give him a piece of my mind. To demand why he thought he could just fuck around with someone else.

But I looked at him again, and I kinda wish I hadn’t. I saw him staring right at me, deep brown eyes staring into my very soul. His gaze tore me apart piece by piece and put me back together in the most beautiful and completely idiotic way I’ve ever imagined. I quickly whip my head back around and press it against the wall, praying it would just swallow me whole. I can’t hear anything over the sound of my heartbeat in my ears.

Those eyes burn holes into my mind and I know they’ll never leave. His eyes were only brown, but when I looked into them, I saw colors that don’t even exist.

I feel a hand against my face and I flinch. I hear a tiny chuckle and open my eyes again and oh my god, there are those eyes again. His face was close to mine that I could see the lines of his cheekbones and the soft curves of his lips. I tensed up as his other hand touched my arm.

“Trust me,” he whispered seductively and I did. Oh God, everything about him made me trust him. I would trust him if he told me to jump off a cliff. If he whispered in my ear and said the rat poison was good for me, I’d drink it. I closed the gap and loved the way he yelped slightly from the sudden impact. My hands started to roam up the front of his shirt while his hands rubbed circles into the side of my back.

Too soon, he pulls away. And I whimper from lack of contact.

“Common Ken,” he backs up towards the bedroom,” I have a big day planned and we need to start getting dressed.”

“If it doesn’t involve you withering beneath the covers than I’m not interested,” I prowl towards the red head perched against my doorframe. Completely forgetting my past anger and the suspicious call to Kageyama.

“That could be arranged.” He states teasingly before turning and heading to the shower. I try to follow him but he pushes me out gently,”Not yet big boy.” I huff loudly and pout, but he just laughs and closes the door.

I feel warmer and warmer as the seconds go by, and I recongnize it as the unmistakable feeling of home. My definition of home is with him. His arms around me. His lips pressed against mine. His finger intertwined with mine. I realize that I never want to be anywhere else. And it scares me.

Because it makes the possibility of him leaving all that more real. And suddenly I’m clouded with the image of him crying. And that hurts much more than I’d like it too.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Kageyama’s POV

It was so frustrating. Remembering every word we ever spoke to each other. Remembering each small smile and short glance. I find myself gasping for air at the mere image of your eyes or the slight gasp as your lungs suck in air. My mind is once again racing with the thought of you and I don’t know how anyone gets over heartbreak.

My anger comes back. I was healing before this call, I think. I was becoming a better person, I think. I was dealing with my problems in my own way! And who is Suga, or any of the other team members, to swoop in and say I’m sick!

Fuck this! Fuck them! Fuck him!

My fist goes through the wall so easily that I wonder if it was ever really a hard surface. He doesn’t care really, he never does. He never notices or says anything. He just does what makes him happy, while the rest of us are gasping for oxygen and reaching our hands out to the light streaming through the waves, like it’s the only the way to possibly stop drowning.

Tears run from my eyes as I pull my hand from the wall. Little pieces of sheet rock falling from my closed hand. My vision becomes insanely blurry and it hurts to stand...so I don’t. I relax and let gravity pull me down onto the cold hardwood floor. I cry tears for years and years. I feel my stomach convulsing like it needs to….like I need to..

I throw up, all over the floor. And when that’s done I dry heave. And when that’s done I don’t move. I know I need to clean it up before mom gets home, but I can’t move. My body is frozen to this spot. No particular reason, except that I’ve come to the term that I’m sick.

My mind is sick and I’m not healthy. My not eating has made me become too weak to do anything. My cutting has lead to me being self-conscious. My need to be who he wants me to be has lead me to become a shell of someone I don’t know.

I am so so sick. But I don’t know how to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got it out!! So sorry, this was just so hard to write!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and please be patient if updates are slow <3  
> Try to update every Tuesday


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